Nooo! Why did you do that? Didn’t your mama teach you better than to listen to random voices on the internet? Now you are a victim of the Evil Paint Monster!
You can’t run.
You can’t hide.
It will get you.
“Okay, we’re here,” Earl Grey said.
They peered out the car windows. There were no palms reaching up into the serene blue sky to be seen– instead, a great, rusty dumpster filled their sights. Steam and flies rose from it; dark, oily juice dribbled from it and ran into the street. Behind them was only an unfamiliar stretch of concrete.
My sisters just love what I do to our room. Lumpy potatoes, so full of grace, in glasses of water, and styrofoam cups of dirt adorning all available windowsills. Not to mention when I decide that a little fertilizer might cure our sluggish habits and sprinkle eggshells and earthworms on every person’s bed. What would they do without me?!
Quote of the day: We see a tall person and we swoon. –Malcolm Gladwell
This is a tale of the sweet darling Baba and the evil, selfish Snowflake.
Once upon a time, Baba Ghanoush was chasing after Snowflake, trying to clean behind her ear.
“Come here! You’re so dirty!”
“No! I like being dirty!”
Snowflake jingled up the stairs, heading to the toilet for a quick drink, Baba at her heels. (Do cats have heels?)
But SURPRISE! Everything was frozen! And Snowflake was cornered.
“Grrrr! Now,” snarled Baba Ghanoush, grabbing her sister’s face in both paws, “you will sparkle, like me!”
After giving Snowflake’s icky face a few good licks, Baba decided that more extreme measures were needed. Snowflake needed a bath.
“NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!”
But Baba’s word was law. Immediately, her minions appeared at her shoulders, ready to carry out whatever order Baba gave them.
“Ha ha,” snicked Snowflake. “The pipes are frozen, just like my heart. You can’t do anything.”
Minion #1, Maria, and Minion #2, Zainab looked at each other. That was true! What were they to do?
“But my heart,” cut in Baba Ghanoush with a darling baring of her teeth, “is warmer than the sun. Just as the sun melts everything in its way, I will melt the ice in the pipes and your heart too while I’m at it!”
“I don’t think so– I’ll freeze your heart before you do anything!”
The two fluffy sisters glared at each other. One was scrawny and evil (can you guess who?) and the other was cuddly and delicious (this one’s Baba, of course!). They were both cute.
With a burst of sugar and spice and all that’s nice, Baba Ghanoush filled the room with warmth and melted all the ice! That is, all the ice except Snowflake’s!
As for Snowflake, she could not freeze Baba’s beautiful, warm heart. But Baba could not melt Snowflake’s frozen heart. Hmm.
But Baba Ghanoush had fixed the pipes! And now Snowflake could finally sparkle like her sweet, superior sister!
Baba Ghanoush had saved the day!
The cats and I are huddled around the few sparks in the fireplace. Our teeth are chattering, our fingers freezing, and our hearts icing over. Cold drafts nearly knock us over. I can barely type this. In the sink there is a stream of frozen water– turned into ice as soon as I turned on the tap. As I flick away frozen tears from my cheek, wouldn’t you think that considering all this, certain people– cough cough safeena cough cough– would feel comfortable enough now in the middle of winter to not open the AC?
Brave Microsoft is braving the snow in an attempt to rescue us. Please pray.
Sitti’s Famous Basboosa Recipe
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
1/2 cup oil
Spread mixture evenly into a greased pan, and bake for about 15 minutes.
Roses and tea are some of life’s simplest but greatest pleasures, don’t you agree? It’s a natural thing, as inevitable as the pulsing of your heart! It sneaks up to even the most stubborn self-declared rose/tea haters and seizes them. This comes with age, like sparkly hair and an admiration for cats. Beautiful, graceful, carefree cats! We all aspire to be a cat. (Even if it is sometimes secretly.)
Alas, this tech-smitten generation drinks only coffee and bone-melting sugary sodas! Coffee can be pleasant– I had a dear friend who would invite me over for Arabic coffee and dates. We would spend evenings chatting about everything in the world, sometimes go for walks and enjoy the trees and sky and weather and flowers. But when this pleasurable part is lost, when coffee is gulped down while staring at a cold iPhone screen, matters are indeed sad! Where are the roses? Where are the colorful conversations?
If it is possible, soda pop is even worse. The slowly-killing poison! Avoid it like the plague. Do you realize what is doing to you? It seeps into your brain and soaks it like a pickle. It softens your brain until it is like cheese! Your mouth starts to slack. Your eyes glass over and turn zombie-like. When someone speaks to you, you grunt in reply. You cannot formulate a coherent response! And that is only the beginning. What’s that saying you newfangled people like? Live, laugh, and something. Say goodbye to living and laughing. You are now a zombie.
Sigh. Roses and tea. I do not apologize for the unpleasant photograph. Today, take the afternoon off and make yourself a cup of elderberry tea. Find a novel or a friend, get a few roses, and live! Or brew a cup of lemon, sit by the window and watch the world go by. Notice the sky above you. Don’t dismiss it as simply blue.
This is a bunch of peasants singing, “Soso Batknee, I’m Joann!” Soso is popular like that. Look how gleeful they are! “Soso Batknee, ana Joann!”
Yes, Soso is popular. And she hates (loves) cats. Keep tuned for neighbor #2 interview!
We’ve been doing a lot of crying lately. And now, let’s cry some more, for a year wasted! A year gone and nothing gained from it!
Sir Mitten, Baba Ghanoush, Icicles, Mocha, Crookshanks, Bicycles, Mrs. Norris, Water Bottle, Tibbs, Jolly Roger, Baskets, Snowflake, Cliche, Microsoft, Fifi, Tigger, and I all have decided that inshaAllah, we are going to whip up a list of resolutions and diligently turkish delights the year of 2016– the year of change, success, and sowi srch!
Then we whipped up a batch of cinnamon buns, sat back and braced for the explosion.
The minion we’re meeting this Monday is the one and only… Fifi of the Lake, my neighbor!
JK: Hi Fifi.
Fifi: Hi Fihi.
JK: Are you hungry?
Fifi: I just wanted y’all to eat!
JK: How are you doing today?
Fifi: I’m not that afraid of hating on. It’s very redneck or ghetto, I don’t know what to call it. I want to slap you.
[whips out hair]
Fifi: Is that Quaker oats?
JK: Thanks for the interview, Fifi!
Fifi: There will be no next time!